Forsooth - your attention please.
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Will Shakespeare please stand up?
Once more: Will the real Will Shakespeare please stand up?
We're gonna have a Baconian here.

Y'all act like you never seen a writer before,
Jaws on the floor, like Macbeth, when Banquo came through the door,
White as a sheet and deader than before,
Anne wants divorce, and a Shottery cottage,
And all for a bit of youthful frottage.
"Ahah - wait - he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"
And Kit Marlowe said
Nothing you idiots!
Marlowe's dead - he's locked in my basement. Haha!

Academics love Shakespeare shtick
"Why did he write 'Dick the Shit'?
Look at him, staging his plays across the globe, cross-dressing,
Messed up gender roles."
"Yeah but Juliet's cute though!"

Yeah, there's probably a couple of threads in my plays loose,
But no worse than what's on TV in your bedrooms.
Sometimes I wanna be real rude, write about whores,
But that bugger Chaucer's done it before,
"My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips"
"Well, I've got a poker with a red-hot tip!"
And that's the message we deliver to the kids
And expect them not to ask what the hell a codpiece is,
Of course they're gonna know what intercourse is,
By the time they get to fourth grade,
They've read R&J, ain't they?

"We ain't nothing but actors..." Well, some characters are real, yeah?
And when I wrote it, Hamlet and Ophelia,
Were a big deal, even if he just wanted to feel her.
And if you feel like they feel I got the antidote,
Just don't tell it to the Romeos, trying to get in Julie's clothes.

Chorus:

I'm Will Shakespeare, yes, I'm the real Shakespeare
Baconian theories are so irritating
So won't the real Will Shakespeare please stand up?
Please stand up. Please stand up.

Modern authors curse in their plays to sell more tickets,
Well I did too, you whoreson, lean-faced villains.
You think I'd give a damn about winning an Emmy?
Half of you critics couldn't even read me, let alone understand me.
"But Will, what if you lived now, what could you do then?"
What? Write the autocue for the News at Ten?
So I could write the scripts for Eastenders,
You think they'd like their characters pursued by bears?

Now every single person is a Will Shakespeare lurkin',
Could be working at your Burger King, quoting at your onion rings.
Or a monkey multiplicity, working to infinity,
Maybe all you need if you need another me,
So will the real Will Shakespeare please stand up?
Put a quill in your hand and take the paper up?
And be out of your time, versed in metre and rhyme,
Now one more time, in your doublet and hose, go

I'm Will Shakespeare, yes, I'm the real Shakespeare
Baconian theories are so irritating
So won't the real Will Shakespeare please stand up?
Please stand up. Please stand up.

Little Old Maid from
Great Expectations

It's the little old maid from "Great Expectations"
(go Havisham, go Havisham, go Havisham go!)
Has a tattered old wedding dress and bridal bouquet
(go Havisham, go Havisham, go Havisham go!)
She a fierce old lady, can't help but heed her;
And she has a penchant for Thursday's speedster!

And Havisham's giving everyone palpitations,
she's the little old maid from "Great Expectations"

It's the little old maid from "Great Expectations!"

She drives real fast and she knows the jargon
tryin' to beat the Queen to a Farquitt bargain!...

It's the little old maid from "Great Expectations!!"

If you see her on the street don't try to woo her
(go Havisham, go Havisham, go Havisham go!)
If you are a man you'll never 'do' her
(go Havisham, go Havisham, go Havisham go!)
The police are gonna catch her now sooner or later
because she slams her foot on the accelerator!

She's a fierce old lady, can't help but heed her,
And she has a penchant for Thursday's speedster!

It's the little old maid from "Great Expectations!!"

(go Havisham, go Havisham, go Havisham go!)
(go Havisham, go Havisham, go Havisham go!)
(go Havisham, go Havisham, go Havisham go!)
...(fade)

Time in a Novel

If I could spend time in a novel
The first thing that I'd like to do
is to travel to magical lands where a dragon can fly
and where wishes come true.

But there never seems to be a way
to get inside a book except
to read it.
I've been around enough to know
That fiction won't come real just when
you need it.

If I could make time freeze for others
Like Thursday Next's father can do,
I'd pause all the world while I fixed every bug
in my inbox and deferral queue.

But there never seems to be a way
to make the world just stop until
you catch up.
And if you could the ChronoGuard
might eradicate you anytime you messed up.

If I had a book with a portal
that fictional folk could come through,
the guests at my next mystery bash might be Hercule Poirot
Sherlock Holmes, Nancy Drew.

But there never seems to be a way
to get inside a book except
to read it.
I've been around enough to know
That fiction won't come real just when
you need it.