The Advice Column for Fictional Characters     May 2003

“During my reign as King of England, I got involved in a little diplomatic dispute with the French over weapons of mass destruction (something about several thousand unwashed French knights, and if that isn't biological warfare then I don't know what is). During the course of this dispute we happened to take rather a few prisoners, and treated them to proper justice (cutting their heads off - it's the only way they'll learn), especially after a battle in some god-forsaken swamp called Agincourt. I remember well the speech I gave -

"We, we bloody knackered few, this band of brothers, who have been right-royally shafted by those traitorous bastards now abed in England are now about to face forty thousand French psychopaths out of their heads on Burgundy and Camel cigarettes. And if any more of you buggers want to desert, just remember there's a load of froggie knights over that way who have been carefully trained at sneering at the English as you order food, and if you run the other way your wife'll be holding your manhood cheap, as I'll rip it off and send it back to her tied with a jolly ribbon. Understood? Right, lets go and kill some Frogs"

Now some French revisionists are trying to get me labeled a war criminal, saying that I wasn't very sporting, and I'm worried I may not be remembered as a great English hero. Any idea how to keep my good name?

Yours, 'Hal'

(Ps - any idea if the Chronoguard have sorted out that cock-up over the length of the Hundred Years War yet? It looked a bit stupid lasting for 153 years.)”

The best we know of is a rogue agent known as 'Will' who will re-write all your speeches and biography for posterity. One of his better triumphs was commissioned by someone who said his wife was always upset when people thought their neighbour, Mrs. Macbeth, was so nice all the time, and could it be arranged to blacken her name forevermore, and she had a commission for some kind of 'doorstep challenge' so could it be arranged to imply her whites would fail? I'm sure you know the one.

Oh, and as for the cock-up over the hundred years, the chronoguard have reliably informed us that they've managed to remove about 37 surplus years from history, and are now trying the 'Time Watchers Temporal Slimming Plan'.

A young Master Dudley Dursley of Privet Drive, London writes;

My know-it-all cousin thinks he's better than me. He's always showing off his nasty magic. Because of him and his giant friend, I still have a nub where they gave me a pig's tail! How much am I supposed to take? My parents are always in a frazzle and they haven't been giving me the attention I demand. They're always trying to keep "Harold" from doing magic in the house and it has distracted them so much that they didn't even get me all my birthday presents this year! And now that the school term is nearing an end and he may come home for the summer, what am I to do? I can't match his magic and I fear my place as the ruler of our family is slipping away? Please help!

However, if you are serious about trying to be friends, there are two wonderful books we recommend: Wizards and Muggles: Can't We Just Get Along? by renowned psychologist, Beatriz Carlander, and Magic for Muggles by Baldus Schnizzlefrizzle that will help you unlock any possible magical talents you may have without endangering you or your belongings. Well worth the read.

Mrs. John Dashwood writes from Norland Park;

My husband recently lost his father and now my husband's step-mother and her 3 daughters are destitute. My husband has inherited the estate, as is his right as the eldest and only son. His father made Mr. Dashwood promise to take care of them, but we are disagreeing on how generous we should be. I say that simply sending them fresh fish and game in season should be sufficient. But my husband insists on doing a yearly endowment of 100 pounds a piece. It's said that relatives expecting an annuity always live forever. We could go broke! So who is right, me or my husband?!