| |
June/July 2003 |
|
|
As the Bard of Swindon, Ernest Flemingway, so eloquently put it –
Oh home of the mighty Great Western
Oh start of the silicon trail!
How many pilgrims have come here
Half an hour late by rail?
Swindon was founded in the 7th century by Aelfwit the Saxon, who claimed the land for Wessex in exchange for a cesspit near Newport Pagnell. The name ‘Swindon’ is thought to be derived from the Old English swine-doun, said to mean ‘here the pigs got bored’. Life in medieval Swindon passed fairly peacefully, a tedium interrupted by the legend of Lady Scubadiva, who offered to ride naked through the village. There wasn’t any particular reason for this, and she was eventually arraigned at Salisbury Assizes on three counts of attempted indecent exposure. Each time she tried it the indignant villagers pulled her off the horse and wrapped in her in a blanket. She was a very ugly woman by all accounts. Later, Queen Elizabeth is said to have stopped in Swindon when she had a bad attack of dysentery. During the Civil War the locals made a living by selling rotten turnips to both sides, and the outcome of the battle of Edge Hill was decided in the Parliamentary army’s favour when the Cavaliers ate the turnips while the Roundheads used theirs as ammunition. In gratitude, Oliver Cromwell allowed the villagers of Swindon to have a robin for Christmas.
Modern Swindon owes its existence to the great engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel, who built his Great Western Railway through the town. He decided to site the railway’s works in Swindon; legend has it he instructed his assistant Daniel Gooch to build the works ‘some place where a bloody great foundry won’t spoil the view’. Queen Victoria was an early passenger on the railway, but complained about the excessive speed at which the train had been driven. Ever afterward she insisted on her trains going no faster than twenty-five miles an hour, a tradition maintained on the Great Western main line to this day. The Queen did travel at higher speeds once, when Edward VII told the driver of her funeral train to get a move on, because he was on for a shag if he could get back to Windsor by four.
The railway brought unprecedented prosperity to Swindon, and soon thousands of people were living in the town. Eventually the borough council was persuaded to build houses for them. Brunel’s traces can still be found in the town, although the council say the wall with ‘IKB was here 1842’ painted on it is due to be cleaned any day now.
In later years, the most notable inhabitant of Swindon was the actress Diana Dors, whose drug-fuelled orgies were notorious in the Swinging Sixties. Of course she’d moved to London by then. Other famous people from Swindon include several people you have probably never heard of. Eventually the railway industry declined, passenger numbers fell, and the rail works closed. It was at this point that the government privatised the railways, in the hope of making them run at a profit. Fortunately for Swindon the growth in computer-related industry saved the town from complete ruin, as for some reason Swindon became part of England’s ‘Silicon Valley’. Apparently this all arose from a misunderstanding regarding Diana Dors’ chest, but by the time the computer people realised their mistake it was too late. The centre of the town has been extensively remodelled as a result of these developments, and the architect responsible recently won an award. Apparently his guide dog was voted ‘best-trained bitch’ at the Blind Institute dog show.
Today Swindon is a modern go-ahead borough with many fine public toilets. Thanks to the modern road network visitors to the town can expect to leave in a hurry, and the modernisation of the railway to 20th century standards is expected to be confirmed some time in the next twenty years. There is much to do in the area, and tourists are particularly advised not to miss the train to Oxford.